A Little Thinkin'...

Hey y'all.

I have been mulling some thoughts over and over in my head for a while now. Most of them pertain to my religion classes and capstone in particular. Or maybe just aspects of my religious journey thus far. I guess I am not really sure where this blog is going, but I am okay with that.

I have been noticing that I do not really feel prepared at all for my capstone class - mentally, emotionally and figuratively. I have taken all the other required religion courses at Wartburg as well as a few others just for the heck of it, but I just do not feel that any of them really prepared me for this class in some big way. I know that it is baby steps that lead up to the big picture, but right now the big picture just looks fuzzy.

I have been mulling over the fact that capstone is just really messing with my theology. Granted I didn't have one specific theology, but I knew what I thought about some things and issues. I was really sure about Methodist doctrines, methods, and theology. Now, I am just unsure in general and I don't know where to go from here.

Let's flashback to 10 years ago to when I was in confirmation. I was the kid that always asked the hard questions. And most of the time, I didn't get answers because Pastor Don did not know the answers. I accepted this and just tried to find my own answers or I would ponder more. I really took learning the Bible seriously and tried to understand how life relates to the Bible.

Flash forward to high school - I didn't really learn anything in Sunday School (no offense Bill!), but I took it upon myself to dive into topics that we didn't cover. I remember being on a mission trip with Orchard Hill Church and asking about predestination and determinism. I had heard about them, but did not know much and was eager to know more. Laura Hoy took the time out to actually teach me what it was and to show me verses in the Bible that go with and against predestination. It was interesting and cool because then others on the trip became more interested in this and we had a healthy learning environment. I don't ever remember going over deep issues or topics on a YouthWorks! mission trip with my own church or in Sunday School. I just really liked to learn about the Bible and its background at a young age.

When I was a freshman in college here at Wartburg, I decided that I wanted to know more about the Bible because I was not taught anything beyond the basic stories in my own church. I was craving more so I chose religion as my major with an emphasis on urban ministry as a concentration. I can honestly say that I have learned so much about God and the Bible through all of my classes and experiences here at Wartburg. But by having learned so much more, I feel unsure about some of the things that I knew about Jesus growing up or about who God is. I question so many things now and do not have answers (not that I ever did before). I guess I just have come to feel uncomfortable with having more and more questions pile upon each other and also uncomfortable with the fact that I am not sure that I want to continue to learn about this.

In class today, we were discussing how RE 101 and other religion classes really break students faith in God and I found it interesting that I have never really experienced this before now. I have really strong faith in Jesus Christ and God and the Scriptures so I haven't ever thought about it this way. I don't know that my faith is breaking necessarily, but my desire to know more about God, Jesus, the Bible, etc. has changed.

That's enough introspective thought for the night.

Cheers,
Hilary